im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Randomize
