are you still at the devil's house?
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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