uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
