i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
