they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
