Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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