someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
