Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
