Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
