I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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