Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
