my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
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I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
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Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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