I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
