Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize