i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Two words: blizzard sex
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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