i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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