So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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