I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
