I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
