I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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