You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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