i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
