dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
