finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
