I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
