I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
50% drunk capacity currently
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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