So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
