bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
