hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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