so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
