Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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