Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i came on her dog
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
