Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
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My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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