did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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