This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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