I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
