Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Someone shattered a urinal.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
