Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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