I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My bed smells like the plague
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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