Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
