My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
