well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
