Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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