I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
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We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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