sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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