They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
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She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
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Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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