I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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