I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
