Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I don't deserve a penis
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Do you remember whose house we're in?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
