Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
