I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
