wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
