she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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